I am a mother of two boys. The oldest is 10 years old with ADHD and learning disabilities. The youngest is 3 years old. The oldest moved this year to a school for children with learning disabilities and seems pleased so far. Without a doubt, the move from Israel’s central region to here a year ago had its effect and influenced the entire household (I raise the children alone). Now, we’re starting to see the beginnings of satisfaction and some calmness at home.
I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to cope with a child with ADHD and learning disabilities, a low self-image, and severe anxieties of late. I see this as daily survival and I frequently ask myself, “Did I do the right thing?”, “Did I give the right punishment?”, or “Why do I constantly have to punish him and be angry with him…this tortures me. I receive parent training from a wonderful lady who really understands me and the difficulties and doesn’t judge me as others did in the past. We analyze each difficulty/problem/ way of relating, and this is what I wanted to ask…mention
What is the coaching process? How could it affect me?
Why do I feel that most of the time I’m angry with him, his impulsivity, and his tone of voice? Sometimes there’s physical violence, hitting, for which he's been punished and doesn’t dare do again, and I received training for this too.
Since it’s difficult with him, I feel in a certain sense that he’s the underdog, the younger one and naturally he’s closer to me and I feel guilty most of the time since the older son I love with all my might, and because of the problems and difficulties, it’s hard for me to approach him sometimes, I get tired of him quickly, and he feels this.
Another thing, he doesn’t want to do his homework when he comes home. Sometimes he does it during breaks at school (and he really doesn’t have many). The assistant told me not to get angry with him and not to force him to do things. It’s hard for me because sometimes I feel not involved in what’s happening, even though I open up his book bag, etc. He plays with his computer, and doesn’t share with me too much.
Is there a certain behavior that’s representative of children with learning disabilities? Do I expect from him more than he can do? How am I supposed to act with him…I’m really hopeless sometimes and quite frustrated.
It’s noticeable that you’re very attentive to your son and make a lot of effort to help him, and for this we’d like to congratulate you. Coping with raising children with difficulties, as you describe them, isn’t easy and frequently requires good advice and professional help. The difficulties you describe are indeed characteristic of children with ADHD who show difficulty with emotional regulation, the ability to plan and get organized, impulsivity, behavioral problems, and more.
At The Nitzan Association we offer parents two tracks for receiving help.
1. Coaching for parents with learning disabilities and/or ADHD – the coaching is intended for parents of children with learning disabilities and/or ADHD. This is a process of personal growth with the close guidance of a coach, who is an expert in the field trained by Nitzan. The process takes place within the framework of 12 meetings of parents with a personal coach (who is also a psychologist, social worker, school counselor, etc.). During the coaching process, the parent will receive tools for more effective coping with their child. With the coach’s assistance, the parent will understand the patterns that are interfering in his life and that of his child and which patterns are more effective and allow him to progress. The coaching focuses on the self-contemplation of the parent and shared dialogue with the child.
2. An additional track is parent’s groups that allow parents dealing with similar difficulties to meet, to help each other, to hear a good word or good advice, with the accompanying of professionals from the field of group leadership who are experts in the area of learning disabilities and ADHD.
I recommend for you to call the National Training Center of Nitzan so we can tell you more about coaching/parent’s groups and to refer you to the branch closest to your place of residence.
In addition, we recommend that you read the book “The Parent as a Coach”. The book was written for parents dealing with children who suffer from learning disabilities and/or ADHD. The book takes the parents on a journey from the place of difficulty and hopelessness to a place of empowerment and advocacy. The book tells about effective coping of parents that give from their knowledge and experience to other parents who are dealing with similar problems.
My son is 6 years old. He was diagnosed last year with ADHD, and he’s been treated with Ritalin for half a year already. There are days when it’s very difficult for me to understand him, and you can see that he’s frustrated that I don’t understand and he, himself, doesn’t know what’s happening with him. I began to check about a personal training process in our house by an educational counselor. The training is for the parent without the child. This kind of training is very expensive, and, therefore, I’m interested in checking the option to participate in a parent’s group, but I didn’t find one in my area (I live in Holon).
My questions are:
1. What’s the difference between coaching and training/therapy?
2. How many sessions are there in a coaching process, and what do you do in these sessions?
3. Do both parents have to participate?
4. I’d be glad if you can refer me, according to my place of residence, to a place where there is coaching of this type.
I feel like I don’t understand my son, and because of this I’m angry at myself and sometimes at him…I’d be glad to receive answers and help…
In answer to your questions:
1. The coaching process, like the therapy process, deals with the identity and life of the person. It focuses on interpersonal and intrapersonal processes. However, therapy focuses on a person’s past, while the coaching process focuses on the future. Coaching focuses on strengths and abilities of the trainee, while therapy focuses on weaknesses and difficulties. Similarly, coaching is short term in contrast to therapy, which is usually long term. In therapy, the client is usually passive, while in coaching the trainee takes an active role in the process.
2. Coaching is a process of personal growth while in close contact with a coach, who has specialized in the field of learning disabilities and ADHD through courses at Nitzan. Coaching is comprised of a series of conversations through which the coach comes to know the trainee and his behavioral patterns. The coach helps the trainee through coaching to improve skills and abilities, to redesign behavioral patterns, to cope with crises, and to improve relationships throughout the different cycles of life.
The coaching process at Nitzan is intended for parents of children with learning disabilities and/or ADHD. The process takes place within the setting of 12 meetings of the parents with the personal coach (psychologist, social worker, educational counselor, etc., who has specialized in the field of learning disabilities and ADHD). Through the coaching process the parents receives tools for more effective coping with their child. With the help of the coach, the parent will understand what are the patterns that interfere with his life and that of his child and which patterns are more effective and help him progress. The coaching focuses on the self-reflection of the parent and sharing conversation with the child.
3. We very much recommend that both parents participate in the activities at Nitzan. Of course, it’s also possible to come separately.
4. The Coaching takes place at Nitzan’s National Center in Tel-Aviv.
Single-parent training at Nitzan was suggested to me (by a coach in training). Since were looking for parent training for both parents, I decide to pass. I’d be glad if you could explain how training for a single parent for 12 meetings could contribute to our family? What’s the rationale to go in this direction instead of parent training that we’re familiar with for both parents?
In the training program for coaches of parents of children with learning disabilities and/or ADHD, treatment professionals from the fields of therapy, counseling, and education who have expertise in the fields of learning disabilities and ADHD, practice each time with one parent in the context of the struggling child. In the coaching process, in contrast to parent training, the coach gets to know the trainee and his behavioral patterns, and helps the parent through coaching to improve skills and abilities, to redesign behavioral patterns, to cope with crises, and to improve the relationships throughout all the cycles of life.
For these reasons, the coaching is individualized for the parent with the intention to improve his/her abilities to support his/her child and to increase the ability for self-contemplation and recruiting the partner and support network to aid in these processes.
Studies show that even if one of the parents receives treatment of some type, this has a significant influence on the partner and the entire family system.
However, participation of both parents in every intervention program is an immense advantage. So, for example, it’s possible to join parent’s groups either as a couple or individually. Also in the parent coaching program, we are planning this year to train coaches for couples coaching, with the guidance of a psychologist and counselor in family therapy to supervise the coaches.
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